I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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