I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
