based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
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So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
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Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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