Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
