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Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
