If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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