I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
