I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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