Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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