u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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