I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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