3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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