girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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