mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
