At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
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You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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