remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
