i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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