Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
