Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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