I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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