So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
