im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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