im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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