did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
