____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
