dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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