If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
