and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
