Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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