I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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