She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
