Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I party with great urgency now.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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