WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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