Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
