The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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