Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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