she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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