Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
