just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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