Your face is a jimmy john
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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