he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
