saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
