Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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