I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
