3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
