I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
