You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
