How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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