i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
