just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
