I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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