Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
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Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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