If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize