my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
