honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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