I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
