i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
