Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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